Why do all good things come to an end?

Well, this past weekend I've had some time to think and to really evaluate where I was going in life and how I wanted to handle the current situation I'm in, and this is what I've realized:

I will survive. As much as it hurts and as much as I feel like my heart is being ripped from my heart everytime I get hurt, life goes on. With each passing day, it gets better. The pain lessens. I've learned to block the memories out of my head for now, until I can look back and be grateful for the memories I do have instead of longing for them back. I've learned that in order to learn how to love, you must hurt and get hurt, to know what it feels like to lose someone who is important to you and to not take them for granted.

I've never been big on church or God, but I do believe that this experience is changing me for the better. As much as I wish I wasn't in this postion, I'm going to one day look back on this and be grateful I had this experience because I am discovering myself.

I've always heard that if you put your trust into God that he'll work things out for you. When I hit what I believe is rock bottom (so far in my life), I didn't know where else to turn but to God. Since then, my outlook on life has changed. I realize that I can live without a guy, I just have to adjust to my current situation. I believe God is doing this for a reason, that there is a purpose for this pain. Maybe Ben was sent to me to take me away from my relationship with Mike, and now that Ben's "job" is done, we have to move in different directions to find the better things in store for us. I believe that Ben and I broke up so I can be readily available for a person who is right for me. I guess Ben and I just weren't right for eachother.

Don't get me wrong, it still hurts like hell and I'm still upset about the situation. However, I'm dealing, I'm moving on, and I firmly believe that I'll make a speedy recovery from my broken heart. My emotions are like a rollercoaster; one day I'll be positive and one day I'll be down in the dumps. The good thing is that positive days are coming more frequently now, and it's getting easier. God really has been helping me since I put my faith and trust in him that he'll do the thing that's best for me. I just have to live my life and try and be the best person I can be and things will work themselves out.

As much as I want Ben back and I want another chance to prove to him I am a good person with the ability to make him happy and set things right, I almost think if I was given another shot I'd turn it down because he's changed, he's hurt me more than I could have ever fathomed, and I just can't believe the person he's turned into. I guess it's just another life lesson for him. All I can do is be there for him if he ever needs to reach out to me, and if he doesn't, then I'll be moved on. I'm going to start making myself happy, stop regreting what I could have, should have, would have done and start living my life. I'm going to start missing opportunities if I keep dwelling on this.

He's a great person, he really is. But right now, he's stuck in the college life. I did some partying in high school, and he didn't. I got it out of my system then and I'm ready to move on past that. It's just not my thing. And I just have to realize that he's experiencing all the things I already have, and it's something he has to do. If we were meant to be, then we'll end up back together someday. If not, at least we shared some great memories and he helped me get over a differend hard time in my life, and I'm grateful for that.

Life goes on, it really does. I'm moving on, and nothing has felt better than over powering emotions I thought I would never get rid of.


"Flames to dust, loves to friends, why do all good things come to an end?"
Because there is something even better in store.

Broken heart

My broken heart is worse than ever today. Ben's seeing someone else and I can barely handle it. I just want to move on but I literally think about him with her every second of the day. Then I go to sleep, and fricken dream about it. This really, really sucks. I wish there were a way to go back in time so I could set things right. I'm just speechless at how he's going about this. I guess I don't really have much to say. Maybe I'll write late...

Life goes on

Well, last night was pretty fun. Made some new friends so that's always a plus. Feel like crap this morning though and I do every time I go out, and I always tell myself "this is why I rarely drink".

So I woke up this morning and watched Step Brothers with Joshua so that put me in a good mood : ) Other than that I've been sitting around all day, not doing annnyyything. I can't wait to get out of this place for a week! I wish I was going somewhere cool though!

The only way to describe my emotions about Ben right now is a Richter scale. One day I'll be optimistic about moving on, and the next I'll feel more lonely than I've ever felt. Today is a lonely day. I'm just sitting back and thinking about what I'm going to miss about Ben and I hate it. I hate when I have this mentality because I feel like I'm never going to move on then. I'm sick of him not caring about me anymore. Ugh I don't even want to talk about it because I can't even stand the thought of his attitude toward me right now.

On a lighter not, Charelle just tried on her once piece bathing suit for me. It was fantastic.

I think I'm going to go and try to do something with this day, although I'm sure I'll end up laying around.

Me, Myself, and I

First and formost, I suppose I should state why I started this blog. I am writing this for my sister to read while she's at work : ) and for my friends and family to know what's going on in my life. I don't have a journal, so I figured a blog was the next best thing.

I guess I should start by saying I'm a freshmen in college and it's be the roughest year of my lifeee. Reality check? Yes. Never did I think college would come with so much responsibility. I quickly learned that professors don't care if you show up or not, if you do your work, if you pass or fail. It's all about self dicipline, which I have next to none. I'm slowly learning how to balance my time and put more into my studies (seeing how I'm doing terrible in my biology and chemistry classes). I also have discovered that I want to be a math teacher, so these science classes are meaningless now! I'm surviving though, only two more months and I have four glorious months of summer vacation!

Spring break starts friday for me, and I'm actually not all that excited about it. My boyfriend and I recently broke up and it's really been taking a toll on me. Well, I guess that would make him my ex then. But anyway, I'm not looking forward of an entire week with nothing to do but mope. However, I'm trying my hardest to occupy my time to distract myself from reality. My wound will heal with time, but wow, it feels like it's taking for ever. I just want this chapter of my life to be closed and the next open because I know there are tons of great opportunites out there.

I recently have become better friends with two people. Joshua, who lives across the hall from me, is 24. He's literally like my mentor and knows exactly what to do everytime I aquire a new scar on my heart. I run to Josh for everything, and I don't think he knows how much his friendship has helped me pick myself up from my lowest of lows and move on. He's slowly been picking up the peices and gluing me back together. Brittany happens to be my ex-boyfriends, best friends, ex girlfriend; now there's a tounge twister for ya! Since Brittany's and mine's ex's (wow, I'm not exactly sure how to word that) are roomates together here at college (yes, all four of us go to the same college) we spent a lot of time last semester together. It wasn't until recently when we both broke the ties with our boyfriends (and then they moved on and we didn't) was when we become good friends. I wouldn't be where I am without her in my life these last few months.

Well, that's enough of the sob story. Tonight should be a good night. I'm goin' out with Josh and Brittany and we're going to have an awesome time. Tomorrow I have one class for an hour and then friday I have three classes then heading back home to see my parents : ) I miss home a lot. I feel like it's the only safe place I have lately.

I guess that's probably enough for today. I'll probably post tomorrow either venting or gushing about what happens tonight : ) I'm making the best of it!




"I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone"